So aside from my very close friends, I don't really talk too much about my personal life and what's going on with me to very many people. I'm sure the person in question, should he ever find this blog, will know this particular entry is in reference to him, but not necessarily completely about him. Earlier this year, I met someone who I believed I was destined to be with. Destiny has a funny way of working out, and although I put my interest in him on pause as of last night, I still believe that there is something in store for us in the future. He's a great guy, and all that I could ever ask for. I just hope that one day he sees what I see and takes charge of our destiny.
But enough of the mushy stuff, let's get back to reality for a second and talk about what brought me to the decision I made.
Mantra No. 1: Never settle for anything less than what you want.
Now if you don't know what you want, then you will always be settling for something, so the first thing anyone should do is take some time to figure out what it is they want out of life, the moment, a situation, a relationship, whatever. Just picture it in your head; visualize yourself with it, and then think about ways to achieve it. I used to settle when it came to dating. I settled for a guy cheating on me, because he looked like a model and the sex was amazing. I settled for another guy's nasty drug habit and violent behavior because he gave me the affection and attention I needed at the time ("Goldie"). I even settled for a complete asshole (Mr. "Stay Tuned"), and I'm still trying to figure out what he had that I couldn't get from somebody else (including the muscles). The list goes on and on for ways in which I settled, but I think my true weakness has always been these damned tall, yella boys with big lips; I find a way to settle every time.
Background Story (Setting the Stage):
I guess, when I think about it, I have always known what kind of life I wanted to live and what I wanted to achieve professionally, socially, and domestically; but I never really knew what type of guy I wanted to spend my life with until now. After the first time I dated Mr. "Stay Tuned," I took a vow of celibacy. (Yes, you read correctly, "the first time.") I took some time to focus on me, but I really wasn't happy. When you date someone and see them all the time for months, you start to develop a dependency for their company and affection. To cut this off abruptly is just as disruptive to your life as quitting any other addiction, regardless of the type or quality of the relationship. One should be careful around this time, because you can easily be susceptible to falling into another bad situation simply because you are trying to fill a void in your life.
Almost a year had passed when I decided to try something new and I stepped outside my race for an Asian persuasion. Well, let me preface that by stating that we met a few years prior when I dated the infamous "Goldie." I always thought he was a nice guy, but we never really took it anywhere. I was determined to do this the right way this time. Since he lived in another city, I invited him to visit for a month and just try things out, because I wouldn't even consider doing a long distance relationship. He ended up staying for two months, and in that time, I realized I had been duped! It's easy to hide your imperfections when you only see someone for a couple of hours at a time on a very irregular basis. I came to find that this angel was a nasty, classless, tactless, drunken hoodrat. Yes, the Asian was a hoodrat and a drunk!!! Moreover, he was another asshole. I was really upset that I broke my vow of celibacy with him and the sex was WACK!!! Needless to say, that ended with a flight back home and no additional contact. This was the first person that I actually removed from my Facebook friends list. In retrospect, it was one of those WTF were you thinking moments.
As crazy as it seems, the day he left, out of the blue, Mr. "Stay Tuned" sent me a message asking me how I was doing and telling me he missed me; wanted to see me, etc., etc. Now I didn't end things with Mr. "Stay Tuned" because he was an asshole to me; he was an asshole to other people, and I felt he lacked compassion. He was just selfish when it came to me. He wasn't giving me what I needed, and I was tired of bending to his needs with no flexibility on his end. He had his moments when he was very sweet and affectionate. I guess the time between us softened my feelings and I suspected this time, he was ready to actively participate. I know it was kinda dirty on my end, but he already knew the situation, so yes, I invited him to come over on the eve of the Asian's departure.
The night he came over, he was the sweetest man I could ever know. I mean it seemed like he made a complete 180 degree turn from the last time we spent time together. He was attentive, and romantic, and sweet. I even wore the underwear he bought me and was surprised to discover that he wore the underwear I bought him...
(OK, [ || ] Pause: That's as far as it went, we didn't get THAT intimate, because I had reinstated the celibacy vow before the Asian even left, and it will be in effect until I find someone worthy of all I have to offer... OK, [ > ] Play)
For the next month, things were going great. I was even telling my friends how he had changed. But for some reason, the only time I saw him was at my house. We never went anyplace or did anything aside from him coming to my home to hang out. Then came his trip to Chicago. Some dude (they always call them a friend) flew him up to visit. When he returned, he posted the pictures from his trip on Facebook. I was actually excited to take a look and see how he enjoyed his trip. Did he not think I wouldn't notice that one pic where you can see the two of them holding hands? I mean, seriously? After his return, I didn't hear from him for a couple days. What's up with that? I'm thinking, OK, we're not in a relationship, so I'm not really mad at you for being a player, especially since I had already heard rumors that you were a whore, but I decided to call him out on it anyway. After a couple weeks of silence, I sent him an instant message and asked him, if he's, all of a sudden, after all this time, missing me and wanting to hang out with me again, why don't we ever go on dates or why doesn't he ever take me out? His response, "Stay Tuned." YES this nigga told me to Stay Tuned! That was the last time we spoke. I closed the IM window and never contacted him again. I was so pissed, I think I probably talked about that comment for a week.
After Mr. "Stay Tuned," I thought all men were assholes. I mean, I had dated two of them back-to-back, and in my past experiences, there was only one man who I can say truly treated me the way I wanted to be treated. So, I decided to just take a break from dating altogether and focus on me. I was doing a great job until New Years weekend came around.
(End of Back Story and End of Part I)
(End of Back Story and End of Part I)
