It seems that everywhere I go in Atlanta, and probably all over America, people have abandoned the walk for the waddle. There used to be a time when young people would get dressed up and promenade down the sidewalks with their dates, arm-in-arm. Men would tip their hats, and women never left the home without at least three pieces of jewelry (earrings, necklace, and rings). On Sundays, the city became a fashion show where all the latest styles were on display up and down the main streets in US cities across America. Personally, I believe the entire world is your runway, and I smile with my eyes everywhere I go. However, today, ATLiens and Americans alike have difficulty smiling with their eyes because they are too busy looking at the ground. Why is this, you might ask? Well, allow me to explain my theory about the waddle and the walk.
Now before I continue, let me first take a moment to diffuse the uncomfortable tension some may have from reading what is to follow. There is a thing called political correctness (PC for short). Now for the most part, I believe that we should be PC or at least as tactful as possible. I'll make every effort to be the latter and make no promises toward the former. I just want to be real about some issues, and I'm sure that as adults we can all come to grips with reality, so please allow me to write freely. (End disclaimer)
So today I was walking through Lenox Square Mall, as I do most days on my lunch hour-or-so, when I noticed a woman who appeared to be struggling to pull of a clean walk. Apparently, her thighs were rubbing her into a waddle. I'm a people watcher, and today I just happened to notice she wasn't alone. Everywhere I turned, people were waddling... Well, of course my walk is fierce, so myself not included, but I'm sure you will soon understand what I mean.
Many people's asses have spread to unimaginable proportions, and this exaggerates their waddle. Black women, especially, have to worry about the "black girl booty" turning into a "badonk." To all of my pale-faced friends, if you don't know, I'm telling you now that the ass is revered among black men. Let's just face it; black women (and men) pull off the perfect ass much easier than our counterparts of any other race. That certainly is not meant to diminish the ass amassing power of any racial group or suggest in any way an ass superiority complex, but let's be real. How many times have you walked past a black woman and said "DAAAAAAAAAAAMN!" when you saw her ass. But we must also note that when the ass becomes too rotund and approaches badonk status, black women (and some men) run the risk of waddling to keep up with all that ass. This was the case today with the woman from earlier.
As I continued through the mall, headed to the food court, I saw another odd waddle. This time, it was much more duck-like in the sense that the ass didn't have to move from side to side to generate forward momentum. Instead, the legs actually had to be spread apart to achieve the desired effect. In this new instance, a young man/boy who must have been in his early 20's waddled because his pants were too far down his ass to pull his legs together. I would love to have assumed that in this deteriorating economy, the price of belts has increased so dramatically that young people choose not to buy them, but his Ed Hardy belt was quite fashionable. Had I been in a different setting, I would have given him two snaps and a waffle cone (*snap* *snap* *drippin' down to the floor*).
I'm sure some people would assume that the issues I have addressed today pertain primarily to the black community, but this is a fallacy. Just yesterday, I was at 5 Points train station where I noticed two white guys with their pants hanging just as low. You would be correct to assume that they both had a distinct waddle from their pants being too low. This epidemic has spread as far as hip-hop will take it, from Texas to Toronto and beyond.
I won't simply attribute the waddle to an overabundance or gross lack of ass. Bellies, by far, have stripped today's Americans of their graceful strides. Some bellies are so large that the arms won't rest properly at one's sides allowing for the proper range of motion to promote a sickening swagger like that of our newly elected President, Barack Obama. Since the arms won't sway back and forth, forward momentum alternatively is achieved by waddling the entire body from side to side. Pregnant women seem to suffer from this type of waddle just as much as beer guzzling men.
Now this is by no means a criticism of anyone. I believe that people should be comfortable in the skin they're in, and if you like it, then I love it. This is simply an observation of our diminishing effort to present ourselves with the best foot forward (pose, change, pose, smile with the eyes, turn, chassé, sashay). After reading this, my only aspiration is that someone will take from this a simple lesson: The world is your runway, so WALK BITCH!
