Normally, I would be continuing with the final chapters of The Red Shoes, but I’m taking a very, very, short break from that story, because I was inspired, this past weekend, to write about the Ledisi Experience. This experience, as is the case with most of my experiences, is not so much literal as it is figurative. However, I will take a moment to talk about the talent that is Ledisi.
I have been to many concerts, but I have to say that, of all of them, Ledisi truly was the most engaging. She left me on a cloud, and I was so excited that I could hardly get to sleep that night. It didn’t hurt that my emotions were raging with excitement for being there, for the company I was with, and for the breathtaking opening by Avery* Sunshine. I have to tip my hat to Avery* Sunshine, because she is certainly an up-and-coming artist. I have had her album for a while, but really never listened to more than a couple songs until after hearing her live. Although her album is nice, it serves her live performance absolutely no justice. On stage, she said she found out she was opening for Ledisi half an hour before she got on stage and couldn’t be more excited to have the opportunity. Once I heard her sing, I could think of no better artist to take on such a monumental task as to open for Ms. Peaches.
Once the headliner, Ledisi, took to the stage for a sold-out, to-capacity show, the audience was on their feet, screaming and whaling. The energy was high, and she certainly delivered well past my every expectation. I could have had an intermission and returned to listen to her sing for another two hours. What’s more, I got to attend the concert with Mr. Eighty-five Percent, who I have been seeing off and on over the last year. But I’ll talk more about him at the end. As much as I would love to give a more detailed account of Ledisi’s performance, this entry isn’t about her; it’s about how I felt during and after the performance. I hope that someone, somewhere out there, can identify with something I have to say.
When you’re ready for the love that’s not ready for you:
In a perfect world, Love would be ready for us when we got ready for Love; but that is rarely the case. Moreover, the reciprocal is equally true. We would be ready for Love, when Love got ready for us. During this Ledisi performance, I found myself shedding a few tears thinking of my late friend, Andre. It was Andre who turned me on to Ledisi with her song, “Best Friend,” from Lost and Found. It wasn’t until much later that the real emotion behind the song came to me. One day, during a photo shoot, the song was in my playlist, when I just happened to bring up Andre introducing me to Ledisi’s music through it. After listening to the words, ‘I’m in love, I’m in love with my best friend,’ my client asked, “Well, was your friend in love with you?” It wasn’t until that very moment that it all made sense, and as much as I tried to cover it up with a smile, I got really sad inside.
Andre was a beautiful man with the kindest heart one could ever have. When we met, he would tell me that he didn’t have long to be here, so he just wanted to enjoy life and do as much as he could. I would always tell him to stop saying things like that, until I found out that he had been diagnosed with Lupus and not expected to live long at all. You could never even tell that he was sick. He was tall, handsome, and had an incredible body. He was golden with green eyes and a beautiful smile. On the surface, he looked like he could easily grace the covers of some magazine, or play running-back for some college football team. When he had bad days, he always had a smile, so one would tend to take for granted the pain he was in.
When I met Andre, he was already making plans for his death, yet I didn’t realize, at the time, how close he had come to the end. He had already had a daughter, and his daughter’s mother would later birth another child for him. He was not romantically involved with her, since he was gay, but she was his ex-girlfriend from high school. They were obviously very close, since she gave him two children so that he could pass on his genes before he died.
For Andre and me, music was always something that held us together. Music also has a healing quality. No matter how good or bad you may feel, music will always be there to support that emotion. I supposed the hours we spent listening to music together were therapeutic in some ways. We would always send each other songs and new artists, so it never really meant anything more when he sent me that Ledisi song. I was so caught up in her talent that I didn’t bother to take the words to heart. Looking back, I see what he wanted to tell me, but never did. Andre and I had become close, but then, one day, he decided to take his daughter and move back to New York to be closer to his family. It was not very long after this move that his ex became pregnant with his son.
I was so confused about Andre. I mean, I had a crush on him, but I couldn’t see myself getting that emotionally involved with someone who had told me they were going to die. As much as I didn’t want to, I forced myself to stay fairly detached, because I knew it would be devastating. His move to New York just made it easier for me to detach myself from those feelings. As a friend, I cared for him, and loved the attention he gave me. He was full of life, so he would always do the unexpected. One day, I got this mysterious phone call from a local number I didn’t recognize. Like many people I know, I don’t answer unknown numbers. I usually let them go to voicemail. I didn’t check my voicemail for a day, and when I finally did, it was Andre calling me saying I should have answered my phone, because he had made a surprise trip to Atlanta and wanted to spend some time with me.
I regret such a missed opportunity, because a month or two later, a mutual friend called me to let me know that Andre had passed. Andre had introduced this friend to me, because it was all he could do to help him. He knew I have a good heart and would give him good advice in his stead. For the first time, Jamar and I began to talk about Andre, and he told me, “You know Andre was in love with you? He used to talk about you ALL the time!” It was hard for me to accept the reality that Andre was gone. It was even harder to accept that someone could open themselves up to fall in love with me, even when they knew love would not last. But that was Andre’s spirit; to be open to everything and just let life flow.
Sometimes, love comes to us when we are not expecting it, or in a form we are not expecting, so we turn away. We make all these excuses about why this love is not the right love instead of just letting Love be. In retrospect, had I known how Andre really felt about me when he was alive, I would have let him love me, and I would have loved him hard for as long as he was here. In the end, I think it would be better to have known that type of love in my life for a moment, then to feel this loneliness that I feel sometimes.
People do what they want to do:
Now, near the end of the Ledisi concert, my emotions had swayed more towards my feelings about Mr. Eighty-five Percent. If you are reading this and feel a little confused about who he is, then feel free catch up by reading a couple of my earlier posts. I cannot think of anyone else I would have liked more to share this experience with than him. I have to admit that over the last couple months, Mr. Eighty-five Percent has turned into Mr. Ninety Percent, but he is still far from 100%, and 110% might as well be infinity. I still don’t know how to feel about him, and that perplexes me. I am relatively clear about most things that I want in life, but when it comes to him, I seem to be stuck on stupid.
In one hand, I have the perfect gentleman who makes me feel like I want to feel when I’m with him. I can honestly say that I have never felt this strongly about someone. Everything in my spirit tells me that this is the one for me. I have felt like that since the night we met, and I feel as strongly about him today as I did nearly a year ago. In the other hand, I have a man who is dealing with his own personal issues, and has put up an enormous wall that I have stared at for almost a year wondering if I want to climb over it, knock it down, or just leave my graffiti on it and walk away.
At times like this, I do think of Andre and how he may have felt about me. To feel so strongly about someone, yet they are not ready or willing to receive the love you have to offer. I think I can only aspire to open my heart up as big as Andre did. He had come to a place in life where he had accepted his fate and made no apologies for loving people just because he wanted to love them, being kind for the sake of being kind, being honest because he had nothing to lose, and enjoying every moment life had to offer. I miss him for that.
I will always have a reason to remember that someone loved me so much while I kept my wall up. A couple months after Andre died, I was notified that his son was born, and at Andre’s request, he was named Christopher Jamar after me and our mutual friend. I wonder what he could have seen so deep in me that he should honor me this way. A tear falls at the thought that one day someone might see those things in me again.
Deep down inside, I know he (Mr. Eighty-five Percent) does not give me any of the simple things that I need, and for this reason, I have tried to keep him at a distance as much as I can stand it. There are those simple things that we need so we can feel like we are important to someone: a call to say I was just thinking about you, a random invitation to grab a burger; it really doesn’t take much. I get none of those things. Sometimes, he makes me feel like those things will come if I’m just a little more patient, and sometimes, I feel like I’m just grasping at smoke in the wind. There are times when I feel like he knows me so well, and times when I feel like we are still strangers.
One thing I do know is that people do what they want to do. If you have ever gotten an excuse that “I’m just so busy,” or “We’ll have to get together soon,” but soon doesn’t come soon enough; just realize that people do what they want to do. They make time for people they want to make time for, and if they really want to see you, they will fit you in however they can. If one is really interested in another, they will make an effort to make room for that person in their life, no mater what place they happen to be in their personal growth or experience. If you ever find that you are chasing someone who is not chasing you back, just learn to leave them be. When the time is right, they will come to you, and if not, then they weren’t worth keeping.
With regard to Mr. Eighty-five percent; I have let him go so many times, but I still keep going back. I did let him know (as Ledisi reminded me) that I still have my walk. It wasn’t really a threat to him more than an affirmation to me that if things don’t work out for whatever reason, I’ve been practicing, and someone out there is going to like the way I walk! I have no idea where this will go or how far I want to take it, but I will start to follow my own advice to just gently pull away. My only problem is not that I can’t do it, but I hate doing anything alone. Now, after meeting him, he’s the only person I really want to share these new experiences with. So, until Mr. One Hundred Ten Percent decides to show up, I’ll enjoy the 85% that I do have.
